Author: FullyAliveNJesus
•1:52 PM
"Brendi...." began my Dad a CPA, when I entered High School in 1964, "you and I both know you're not College material even if I can afford to send you 3 girls and more importantly your 3 brothers when the time comes.... it's best for you to learn Secretarial Skills so you can take care of yourself until you marry. When you get married your husband will take care of you, so you can stay home like your mom and take care of your husband and your home and raise your children together."
These were the words which came to mind when my husband could not find, to quote his mother 'a decent job', as he along with other Soldiers left the service at the end of the Vietnam War in the 70's and flooded the market with people trying to find employment. It appeared it was going to be necessary for me to go back to work giving him the opportunity to take the time necessary to find his career of choice. It had been our desire that I be a stay at home mom and wife while he worked at his chosen field of employment ... but once he was drafted and our son was born, he gave up on becoming a Lawyer and was limited to finding work with a Political Science Degree ... in a time of growing unemployment.
His mother never wanting to be ignored, and not afraid to show her disappointment screamed at us more than once words such as these, "I did not send my only child to College so you could become a Debit Collector, you need to find a Career worthy of you." and "You need to hold out for a decent job. You were an Officer in the Marine Corps during Vietnam and should be looking for a Career not just a Job. You need to get a real Job, I don't care how long it takes, you hear me? You need to make her go find a menial job instead, while you look for a Career using your College Degree! No son of mine........"
Being a people pleaser with a desire to be a supportive wife, a responsible mother and one willing to work, I took it upon myself to find several part time jobs from home when my husband quit his menial job, enabling him to look for an occupation, more in line with a Career, than one which would support us in our immediate circumstances. When the eviction notices began to come in, I took a job in the evening as well, even though I hated leaving my husband, baby and toddler. Inwardly I carried a lot of anxiety and emotional pain with a sense of failure and shame which ultimately began to overwhelm me. Years later I was able to look back with compassion, as I remembered being very exhausted and depressed during that season of my life. At my breaking point, I would draw the drapes to our sliding glass doors while the children napped, sit in the living room chair, wrapped up in my own arms and rock my body to and fro to soothe myself. Even though I knew Jesus as my Savior, I had never been taught I could reach out to God as my Father for guidance or help ... but in desperation, I did... it seemed like the right thing to do.
Praying and asking for God's help gave me strength and a sense of direction and hope. My conscience would no longer allow me to give over my motherly duties to another... After High School I became a Professional Secretary and made an excellent income ... but I was now of a mind that our children needed the security of my mothering influence at their stage of development more than the things I knew my profession of choice could provide.
About that time, I heard about a Government Program designed to help single moms with children under the age of 6, stay at home and raise their own children with Public Assistance. I was amazed as to how the doors quickly opened up for me to move into Section 8 housing once I sensed this was the wisest choice for now. I was told there was a 2 year waiting list, but the Rental Manager called me, (after I prayed) informing me she had decided to put me on top of her list. My Dad paid the deposit, furious having discovered my husband was not willing to take any job he could find to support his family; not caring what his mother expected of us or the fact that he had a College Degree or had been an Officer in the Marine Corp.
When I felt I had no other choice, I received the nerve to call my husbands mother and blurted out something like this, "I know you think your only child needs to hold out for a Career, but when I walked in the door around 2:30 am from working at Pizza Hut and found your son passed out, our daughter and son crying, she still in the same diaper she was in when I left at 4:45 pm, laying on drenched sheets, her clothes and blanket soaked all of the way through, I made some tough decisions you may not like. I found your son a job as a Photographer in a Studio. In order for him to take it he needs new glasses, as he broke his in a drunken stupor and we can't afford to replace them. If you want to find him better employment, that's up to you. I just got us caught up on paying off our 3rd Eviction Notice... our Landlord has been working with me and she has agreed to let us out of our Rental Agreement without penalty. I am leaving our vehicle with your son, so he can go to work. I have found subsidized housing within walking distance of everything we need. Your son can visit our children, but can't come with us, because I am going on Public Assistance so I can raise our babies, rather than have someone else do it. I think being raised with a full time mother is more important than things at their age! Your son has given up on looking for a career in an effort to please you and meet your expectations and spends his days drinking now. We tried to work things out, but he says his Therapy Group says he drinks to much because of me. As his mom it's best that you be the one to try to get his thinking right, so he can support his family someday. He refuses to listen to me. So... my mind is made up ... I won't allow our children to live like this any longer! If you don't take your son in, he has no place to go."
Once I started this new beginning... with a budget of $400.00 a month to work with, I knew I needed to be more ingenious than usual and take advantage of practical resources available to those who have a low income. Almost immediately I heard about the County Home Extension Service, which had literature on cooking/living on a budget. While reading, I was inspired to teach myself how to make my own food from scratch, (Growing up, I was the eldest child who took care of my brothers and sisters while mom cooked ... we cleaned up after as a part of our daily chores, it was important to our parents that we learned to be responsible members of the family and thus society when we left home.) Later in life I became a Chef at Listening Heart Farm Bed and Breakfast in Madison VA, and I could see in hindsight how all of this was training for that which Father God knew was to come. In other Blogs I will be sharing some of the adventures my second husband and I had as Inn Keepers on 32 acres in the country, as well as some recipes and useful shopping/gardening tips, with the hopes you enjoy reading them and will add to them.
The Housing I found in Reston VA was an Apt for if I remember correctly, $225.00 a month. It was a new Government Planned Community and rents were determined by our income. We had air conditioning, dishwashers, basic cable, pool privileges, on site play grounds, our nearest neighbor was the Elementary School and as my children grew I took advantage of our Apt Community Center which did fun things, like Kiddy Parades and Costume Contests at Halloween, Easter Egg Hunts and the like. My children's costumes were home made and I found great pleasure in developing my creative side.
I also took advantage of Community Scholarships for our children like Free Swimming Lessons, Art Lessons and Ballet Lessons, which were made available for families with a low income. Taking advantage of Community Resources, living within our budget in practical way before and after my husband and I got back together and started a small Carpet Cleaning Company, 'RugMaster', enabled us to save enough, even while paying a higher rent, to eventually move out of low income housing. Something we both looked forward to...
It was during this new beginning, that I eventually turned my life completely over to Father God for His will to come into being and learned to hear His voice and follow His leadings and apply His guidance. Almost immediately Father revealed HimSelf to me as our Provider and Healer and proved HimSelf as He answered prayers .... healing me spirit, soul and bodily.... teaching me and training me in the way HE knew was best. I will share more on this in other blogs... with the hopes you too will share of your own spiritual experiences, by was of refreshing, enlightenment and encouragement.
When friends in our small Community would mention their need, I'd pray for them... to my delight someone would donate just what was needed and I'd pass it along, praising Father for HIS faithfulness. Being in similar circumstances, as friends and neighbors we took turns baby sitting for one another... giving us mom's the opportunity to have some times of refreshing. We shared meals and passed along toys and clothing and ultimately spiritual insights, as we matured and became like an extended family, enabling what we had to work with, to stretch further than it would have otherwise.
I understand what it is to struggle and am pleased those days are behind me, but know I am a better person because of them in many ways and do not regret them. In order to live within our means, sometimes I washed our clothes in the tub and hung them around the Apt to dry. Back then when one bought food with Food Stamps, we would get change ... I would save it up to buy toilet paper and the like, as funds were very tight. I walked back and forth to the store with a pull cart while a friend watched my children and I did the same for her. We are still best of friends over 30 years later and look back over those days with fond memories. We did what we had to do to survive without adding additional stress to our lives and our childrens lives... we did it in such as way, that we hoped as our children grew, they did not know they were living at poverty level. I thank God for the gifts of generous relatives which enabled them to have what others took for granted.
Even before those days, when my first child was born, I used cloth diapers over paper, in an effort to be practical, so I was already of this mind, when circumstances forced me to do so. Being health conscious, in earlier years, I avoided prepackaged food. I made my own baby food from our meals, rather than buy it prepared. I cooked oatmeal and cream of wheat instead of using the baby type and thinned it down with milk. I watered down the adult juices, which is what the Baby Companies do with Baby Juice they sell as convenience food. I mixed mashed potatoes with the ground up meats to make them more palatable .... Recently we laughed together when I told my eldest this, after our grand daughter was born. Our son said his Marine buddies’ poked fun at him after observing he likes his meats mixed with potatoes, and now he understands why that is his preference.
Looking back, I can clearly see, I've always sought to be thrifty and not waste... being the eldest of 6 children and one who grew up with limited means, so living efficiently and being generous to those in need, can easily be a place of comfort for me. It is my hope to share in these blogs some of the spiritual lessons I learned as my thinking was renewed, as well as some prudent lessons when it comes to day to day living … and I hope you all will join in.
Please know, I have shared the details above, with the hopes it will encourage those who find themselves in a place in life that they never expected to be... to reach out to God their Father for His wisdom and Divine favor and restorative power if they have not done so already ... and to open a window into the life of one who was on Public Assistance for a season... to show how beneficial it can be in times of crisis and need... and to eventually share how one can find ways and the strength to leave it behind when the time is right. If you’ve had similar experiences, please tell us in a comment below… thanks in advance.... as it is my hopes these blogs will help those in need of reading them ... especially now, as so many are struggling globally and are in need of hope, practical wisdom, self discipline and encouragement.
Author: FullyAliveNJesus
•12:29 PM
I heard a voice deep within say.... "Close your eyes..." I did.
As I did I heard, "I am describing to you a house, a tree and a horse."
"Now... if you were born blind... do you think you would have seen the true image or only a concept of what you imagine them to be?"
I said, 'A concept....'
The voice continued.... "Due to the flesh nature, man is born blind to spiritual truths... until I open their eyes through their union with my Spirit. The Kingdom of God is not like anything man has yet imagined for they have not yet conceived that which I alone can reveal. Let go of ALL of your concepts, your perspectives... ALL vain imaginations... and traditional thinking, as you identify with My son at Calvary... that I might reveal to you My simple truth... and My Kingdom, it is not how you first perceived it to Be. Continually let go and embrace that which I offer in it's stead… be transformed."
As I let go... I was reminded once again of the essence of something the Spirit of the Lord told me in earlier days… ‘In order for you to come to a place of deeper understanding… you need to lay down that which fills your hands already. In order for Me to give you something new you must be willing to let go of the old for it has lost its savor ... is no longer necessary for the development of your spiritual maturity. If you do not let go, you will be in danger of serving an illusion and momentarily loosing sight of Me and the wholeness of My truth.”
Having experienced all of this… Father has caused me to understand… if I truly desire to continue to grow through a healthy relationship with His Spirit, I must put away childish ideals... and youthful treasures… Truly His Spirit within is calling me/us to grow with a greater awareness than when we first began. To let go upon conviction... and embrace something new, takes us out of chaos and inner turmoil into that which has already been prepared for us since the foundations of the world. Such ultimately brings about a balanced, generous pleasant spiritual journey...
Author: FullyAliveNJesus
•12:21 AM
As I listened to Father's words of explanation as to why I was in this painful cycle, "It's your identification with love: Yell at me, punish me, hurt me. This is your souls place of comfort. Your subconscious mind seeks to create it, in it's search for love. Let go of your identification with love. Embrace the truth of My love." a memory from my childhood came into my mind:
With great pain in my heart I was telling my friend "I can't play with you anymore, since mom discovered us smoking and drinking at your house."
If I remember correctly, she had just turned 13 and was an only child of a second marriage, both of whom worked. I was 11 and the oldest of 4 ... my mom was a stay at home mom. It was 1960 and we lived in a small neighborhood in the suburbs. A few of us had gone up to her house to play. We wanted to pretend we were grown up, so when she gave me a whiskey with a cherry in it and called it a Martini, I was thrilled. I hated the taste and the burning of my throat, it took me years before I was willing to taste alcohol again. When she offered me a pack of Paxton Cigarettes, being a non smoker, I thought chain smoking would be fun ... this quickly made me sick to my stomach and caused me to never want another cigarette.
Later, when another friend came to get me to go to her house, and discovered what we were doing, she was horrified and quickly left. She told my mom, who promptly came up to get me with dad's belt. She screamed and cursed me, as she whipped me all of the way home.
I came to understand my mom had a hard time controlling and letting go of her temper and became irrational when angry, so my parents agreed dad needed to be the predominant disciplinarian when it came to deciding on the punishment and doling it out. "You just wait until your Father gets home!" were usually her final words on the matter once the dastardly deed was found out and she'd had her say.
Part of my Father's united front philosophy, which he explained to me when I became a parent was: If we are harsh with them the first time, hopefully there won't be a second. Never punish in anger, instead make them think about their crime until bedtime, and if they forget to remind me to punish them, or fight me, their punishment will be twice as severe. "I don't care what other parents let their children do, we're not responsible for them. What we say goes!" were usually his final words on the matter once they came into agreement privately and had their say publically.
My parents' took their roles as responsible parents seriously. They loved us dearly, willingly making sacrifices, wanting what was best for us. They had no problem being thought of as the bad guys if that caused us to turn out to be half way decent human beings. Sparing the rod, definitely spoilt the child in their minds... they believed a spoilt child, like spoilt meat has no value. One word of disrespect to either of them was the ultimate crime. "That's my wife you're talking to!", was something dad only had to say to me once.
I don't remember what else I said to my friend that day as I whined and complained about my parent's harsh punishment... but I do remember her teary eyed reply to me, before we parted company, "Well... at least your parents love you enough to punish you. My parent's don't care."
Her words and the strange feelings which came over me after hearing them, became the focus of my memory. I became aware of the distorted thinking which had been built upon them. Willingly I released my identification with love which was creating negative circumstances ... with the promise of embracing that which would renew the spirit of my mind and the motivations of my heart... releasing me into Father's overflowing, undying love.
Author: FullyAliveNJesus
•10:46 PM
'I left myself a note to remind me, but forgot to read it. Why? I knew he'd get angry if I forgot, yet I forgot. Why? I wanted to remember, to please him, to please You why did I forget? You know I hate to get in trouble. Why does this kind of thing keep happening?' were the silent words I cried deep within my soul, to the Spirit of the Being I knew to be the author and finisher of my faith, the restorer of my soul and more, Jesus Christ ... these were the heart felt words I poured out to Almighty God, Who had revealed HimSelf to me as my loving Father, my kind healer, my intimate provider ... the Holy and Righteous Spirit of unconditional love and truth Who had awakened my Spirit to His reality and more.
The essence of the words I heard in response, "It's your identification with love: Yell at me, punish me, hurt me. This is your souls place of comfort. Your subconscious mind seeks to create it, in it's search for love. Let go of your identification with love. Embrace the truth of My love."; and the journey into the fullness of God's love which has followed, has done far more than simply transform my inner man .... it has changed my entire life for the better, causing me to let go of chaos and inner turmoil ~ embracing a balanced, generous, pleasant journey along the way...
I hope to be empowered to impart hope which incorporates both practical, frugal living, resourceful tips and spiritual truths together as I share some of what I have learned over the past 59 years and invite others to do the same. *above story expanded in next blog*
Author: Wendy (Sweetie)
•8:00 AM
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